


How I Felt...

by elephantcurtains



Category: Ek Ladki Ko Dekha Toh Aisa Laga
Genre: Angst, Bollywood, Desi, F/F, LGBTQ, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-10-26 19:44:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17752280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elephantcurtains/pseuds/elephantcurtains
Summary: My take on "Ek Ladki Ko Dekha Toh Aisa Laga."





	1. Chapter 1

It was another night of fake smiles. Potential investors were visiting again, this time from London. They had brought along their son and daughter, both of whom were apparently near Sweety’s age. Of course she had to be present to greet them that night. There was no way she could say no to her father’s request. Not after everything he had done. 

 

But tonight, tonight Sweety wished she could. Everytime she so much as left her room she was bombarded with talk of marriage and the line of potential suitors waiting to take her away. She could only smile and nod at their questions for so long and tonight, she didn’t think she had the energy. She just couldn’t anymore. Yet as dinner approached she donned her new salwar and made her way down the staircase like polite and obedient girl she had always been.

* * *

 

The investor’s son had been making eyes at her all night. Raza, as he’d introduced himself, was as forward and enthusiastic as any of the other young men she had met on nights like these. It was as if he was doing everything in his power to get her attention, from dancing beside her to practically serenading her with his guitar. She had done her best to avoid him by staying close to her grandmother’s side, but one more move from him and she would have to excuse herself for the night. 

 

After more agonizing time had passed, she was now huddled in the far corner of the patio, her eyes fixated up at the night sky. She took a few deep breaths and willed herself to relax. The pent up tension persisting in her shoulders began to release in this quiet moment alone to herself. Alone. As she always was. Just as she was beginning to feel at peace, she heard the sound of someone approaching. Internally groaning to herself, she turned, expecting to see Raza but instead finding his sister, Kuhu, heading towards her away from the rest of the party. 

  
“Is it alright if I join you?” Kuhu asked kindly as she came closer. 

 

“Yeah, sure,” Sweety replied. After spending most of her night avoiding Raza, she had barely spoken a word to the woman beside her past their initial greeting at the door. She had only glanced at her for a moment before returning her gaze to the stars above them. 

 

“I think my brother’s taken quite a liking to you,” Kuhu said with a slight smirk. When Sweety didn’t say anything, she playfully nudged her with her elbow and added, “If you were interested, you’d be able to come back to London, you know. You could study there if you’d like.”

 

“Hmm…” Sweety hummed quietly, giving little acknowledgement to that thought. At her continuing silence, Kuhu seemed to have taken the hint. She, too, didn’t speak for a few passing moments, though she still remained at Sweety’s side. It wasn't as if Sweety minded that she was there, really. It was just that she preferred her time alone and she couldn't understand what kept her stood there for so long. It was as if she was about to step away when she stopped herself. 

 

“Sweety?” she said slowly. Her voice rang a bit clearer now. It was a bit raspy yet at the same time soft, smooth. There was something in her tone that caught Sweety’s attention. It caused her to finally look down at the woman beside her. She was stood in her navy blue salwar, her arms slightly crossed over her chest. Her wavy hair was splayed out against one shoulder and her bright eyes were curiously blinking up at her, her face faintly illuminated by the lanterns behind them. Sweety suddenly realized where that sweet smell in the air had been coming from. 

 

“Sweety, are you alright?” Kuhu asked the woman who after a few moments now had yet to break her stare. The girl didn't respond. She only continued to stare at her, more intently now. 

 

Kuhu arched an eyebrow. Could it be…No. Of course not. She mustn’t be silly. This must just be what these smaller village-type women are like. Shy, slightly awkward, and...breathtakingly gorgeous. As Sweety continued to silently watch her, Kuhu couldn’t help but wonder. 

 

“You know it’s alright if you don’t like my brother. I know how difficult these things can be,” she started quietly. The girl's expression still hadn't changed. A kick in her gut was telling her she was right. She  _ had  _ to be. But was she? It would sound crazy if she said it out loud. One wrong word might offend this girl forever. She feared the response her next words might receive, but Kuhu couldn't hold it in any longer.

 

“Like back when I had crushes on girls in college.” She sucked in a breath, pausing, gauging her reaction before adding, “Yes,  _ girls. _ ” 

 

And there it was. Something flashed in Sweety’s eyes and for a moment, Kuhu thought she had only imagined it. There was a moment of heavy silence, one that she deeply feared. But then, Sweety smiled. She  _ smiled.  _ And Kuhu didn’t think she’d ever seen anything more beautiful. 


	2. Chapter 2

_“The roof. One hour.”_

 

Before any words could even be said, Sweety had run off to the call of her grandmother. But not before quickly muttering that into her ear. Kuhu watched as she disappeared from view, cheeks still burning at the brief closeness they shared when Sweety was bent over her ear. She had gone from trying to set her brother up with a potential bride to plans of a rendezvous with her on the _roof_ in a matter of minutes. She had just met this girl. It usually took a lot more to get her heart beating this fast, but just the thought of seeing her again had her… Kuhu had to catch herself. She had just met this girl. She couldn’t be so quick to jump to anything just yet. It wouldn’t be the first time she did and well, she remembered how that turned out.

 Nearly an hour had passed. The party was over and Sweety’s father had just shown her family where they would be sleeping for the night. Kuhu waited for the silence that meant they had all retreated to bed. After what felt like an eternity, she was finally able to slip out of her room. With that issue solved, all she had left to do was figure out the way to the roof.

* * *

 

It was a mistake. The brief excitement she had felt not long ago had soon been replaced with regret. She didn’t know what she was thinking when she her to meet her here. She wasn’t thinking, that was it. It had been no point, anyway. It had been nearly twenty minutes and there was no sign of her. She sighed with defeat and stood up to leave. Just as she did, there came the sound of footsteps. A head poked through the doorway and Kuhu’s eyes darted across the spacious rooftop before landing right on her. A smile graced her beautiful features and Sweety felt her head spin.

 

_She came. She couldn’t believe she actually came._

 

Kuhu cleared her throat as she took a few steps forward. “I’m sorry I took so long. I had to wait for my family to fall asleep and then I...got a bit lost,” she said with a light laugh.

 

“It-it’s okay.”

 

Sweety was still standing beside a cushion laden bench. As the woman came closer she could hear her heartbeat thudding in her ears. A part of her wanted to make a run for it, but she couldn’t even bring herself to sit down. Kuhu stopped walking when she reached the edge of the bench. She gave Sweety a questioning look and asked, “Should we sit down?” Realization quickly set in Sweety’s eyes.

 

“Oh, um, yes. Of course. P-please sit.” Sweety stuttered, cursing inwardly at herself. She resumed her spot on the left-hand side of the bench, leaving plenty of room in between where Kuhu took a seat on the right. She settled herself in, looking over at Sweety with an amused look. Clearly the confidence she had had when whispering in her ear earlier was nowhere to be found. Kuhu waited patiently for her to say something, though slightly unsure of when that would be.

 

“Y-you…” Sweety began tentatively, trying desperately to find her voice. “You’ve had crushes on women?”

 

She was cutting right to it, it seemed. Kuhu smiled at her encouragingly. “I _have._ ”

 

“Since when?”

 

Kuhu looked pensive for a moment. “Primary school, maybe?”

 

Kuhu sat quietly as she waited for the next question to come, having an inkling that Sweety had quite a few to get off her chest.

 

“Have you ever actually...um...you know…”

 

“Have I ever…?”

 

“You know...have you…?”

 

“Dated any of them?” Kuhu finished for her. Sweety nodded sharply, her dangly earrings swinging back and forth. “Well, yes. A few. But nothing very serious.”

 

Sweety nodded again, seeming to cling on to every word she said. Kuhu, too, was filled with questions, but she knew better than to ask them now. Clearly this girl didn't any experience with this sort of thing. A fact that was not surprising, really, from living in a place like this. She could only imagine what it must have been like growing up here. How alone she must have felt. Sure, Delhi wasn't much better in terms of acceptingness, but it was still the city. And now, after the years she’d spent in England, she'd felt it-freedom. The freedom to live as she wanted to, without the fear of being watched or judged at every given moment. It was a feeling Kuhu would never get tired of. And it was a feeling Sweety had never even got a taste of. That thought made her heart ache.

 

A sudden gust of wind blew across the rooftop. Kuhu’s long hair swayed in the breeze. She wrapped her arms around herself, suppressing a shiver.

 

“Oh god, you’re cold!” Sweety exclaimed. It was freezing up here. She was used to it after all the time she’d spent there, but how could she think Kuhu would feel the same? “I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t have asked you to come up here!”

 

“What? I’m fine,” she tried to reassure her, placing her hand lightly on Sweety’s forearm. Sweety jumped at the contact and Kuhu panickedly drew her hand back. “Oh, god, I-I’m so sorry.”

 

“No, you shouldn’t b-”

  
“I shouldn’t have-”

 

“No, really it’s-”

 

They stammered in unison until Kuhu stopped short, giggling. She had the most wonderful, tinkling laugh. Sweety stared at her for a moment, finding herself lost in the sound. And then, she started to laugh with her. Kuhu couldn’t help but marvel at how relaxed she finally looked. Laughing. Smiling. She put her hands up, still chuckling when she said, “Alright, why don’t we give the apologies a rest for the night.”

 

“I think that’s a good idea,” Sweety agreed, a wide smile still spread across her cheeks. They fell silent again as neither of them knew exactly what to say. An air of awkwardness still remained between them.

 

“Um, Kuhu?” Sweety said, deciding to continue on with the questions still burning up inside her.

 

“Yes?”

 

“What have you been doing about marriage proposals then?”

 

“Ah, those.” Kuhu nodded as she pulled her feet up onto the bench. She held her knees against her chest and rested one cheek against them, looking up at Sweety at an angle. “I told my parents I wanted to find a job before I even think about settling down. It’s worked for me so far.”

 

“What do you want to do?” Sweety asked curiously. Kuhu’s actions caused her to settle herself more comfortably in her seat.

 

“Psychology. It’s what I studied at uni. What about you?”

 

“Me?” It was a question she’d asked herself many times before. “I don’t really know.” Sweety shrugged her shoulders, suddenly interested in the loose threat in her sleeve.

 

“You don’t know? Surely there’s something you must want to do.” She leaned towards Sweety slightly. “What do you like doing?”

 

“I-I don’t know…” That smell that struck her earlier came wafting towards her once again. “I write. And draw. Sometimes. But that’s-”

 

“You draw?” Kuhu said excitedly, clapping her hands together. “You must show me sometime!”

 

Sweety rarely told anyone about her drawings, let alone did she show them. However, there was a certain sincerity in Kuhu’s tone that had her wanting to do otherwise. Maybe she would show her her drawings sometime. Maybe she’d even make one for her, too.

 

“I’ll see,” Sweety muttered shyly.

 

“I’ll hold you to that.”

 

Another smile formed on Sweety’s lips and she couldn’t do anything to hide it. It was incredibly endearing. And beautiful. Kuhu wasn’t quite entirely sure what was to come out of this. She would only be in India for the next two months, but after that, who knows what would happen? She didn’t know. But she couldn’t be worrying about those things just yet. Whether as a friend, a confidant, or something else, Kuhu knew Sweety was someone she had to get to know better.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Sweety wasn't sure how she even fell asleep after everything that happened last night. Her mind was on all things Kuhu. The way she talked, she smelled, she smiled...Sweety was feeling things she hadn’t allowed herself to feel well, ever. It took her ages to get ready that morning, torn between her hair and clothes and whether she should wear glasses or go half blind for the day. Everyone had already eaten by the time she had gotten down to the dining room.

 

“Beta, what took you so long?” Beeji asked as she approached the dining room, but she barely heard her. Her breath hitched in her throat. Kuhu was seated beside her parents, in the middle of conversation with her mother, when she cast a sideways glance over and Sweety and winked.

 

“Ah Sweety, you’re finally awake!” Her father said loudly, setting down his cup of tea. He had been laughing heartily at something Kuhu’s father had said. “Babloo Virji and Raza have just left for the day. Why don’t you take Kuhu here and show her around?”

 

The wedding festivities wouldn’t be starting until the evening, meaning she would have hours with Kuhu to herself.

 

“So you’ll be my tour guide, huh? Where to first?” Kuhu had asked her cheekily the moment they had stepped out of the house. She’d have a permanent blush on her cheeks for the duration of the day, it seemed.

* * *

 

“Alright, your favorite. If you had to pick one.”

 

“I don’t know. I really can’t decide.”

 

“Arre yaar, if you _had_ to. Just pick one.”

 

“Alright, the first one.”

 

“Aha! I knew it! You are so predictable, Sweety!”

 

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d laughed this much. Her sides were actually beginning to hurt. They’d talked about anything and everything. It was as if Kuhu had something against awkward silences. Everytime Sweety fell silent Kuhu already had something else to say to keep the conversation going. Sweety could listen to her talk all day.

 

They had first gone to a small cafe upon Kuhu’s insistence as Sweety had missed breakfast. Sweety only ordered something small, but found it quite difficult to eat with Kuhu eyeing her over a cup her coffee from the opposite side of the table.

 

After the meal, Sweety had to rack her brain over what sights in Moga there were that Kuhu couldn’t have already seen growing up in Delhi. So it seemed, Kuhu had already seen virtually everything. So Sweety had to take her somewhere she knew the girl had surely never been. It was a small abandoned ruin along the outer part of the town. Overshadowed by the other more famous gurudwaras in the area, this temple was desolate, yet serene. Sweety had first stumbled upon it when she was in school. In an attempt to avoid Babloo Virji, she had left class early and ran as fast as she could in the opposite direction of home when she happened upon the abandoned place. It was quiet. Away from the leering eyes and judgemental whispers of her classmates, the temple soon became her place of comfort to write and paint and simply be out of the house in the time before the sun set. Much like the roof, it was _her_ place, yet another that she had shared with Kuhu without a single thought.

 

They were now seated in front of a small courtyard of sorts. It had fallen quiet between the two. Sweety was leaned against a long pillar with her hands atop her knees. Upon her face she wore a slight smile, one she came to realize would never seem to fade with Kuhu at her side. Kuhu was seated across from her with her legs crossed. She was once again eyeing her with that signature flirtatious look.

 

“You look beautiful in that color, Sweety,” she said, commenting on the outfit that morning she had spent so long preparing, “Yellow is really lovely on you.”

 

“Thank you,” Sweety mumbled, unabashedly shielding her face with her shawl in a poor attempt to conceal her embarrassment. She turned her gaze to the vast yard ahead of them. Her eyes fixated on the swaying trees behind the building, her grin beginning to fade as she appeared deep in thought. Kuhu, paying no attention to the sights around them, caught the shift in her expression almost immediately.

 

“What are you thinking about?” she asked.

 

“Do you ever wonder what life would be like if we were just normal?” Sweety replied, her tone almost wistful.

 

“Normal? What do you mean normal?”

 

“You know, normal. Like everyone else. Wanting a husband, being able to get married, being able to have kids-”

 

“Are you saying you think this here is abnormal?”

 

Sweety froze at the irritation in Kuhu’s tone. She turned towards her, noting how stoic her face had become. “I mean surely you understand what I’m saying-”

 

“I’m not sure I do, Sweety. I know it must be difficult for you but if that’s what you think of yourself then how do you expect others to treat you?” Kuhu’s jaw was locked tight. She lowered her eyes to the ground and scoffed “ _Normal..._ ”

 

“I don’t see why you’re getting angry with me now.”

 

“I’m not angry!” Kuhu exclaimed. She lowered her voice a touch before adding, “Just...is that what you want? To want those things?”

 

“Don’t you? Don’t you think your life would be easier if you were just like everyone else?”

 

Kuhu shook her head adamantly. “Absolutely not. I’ve spent too long learning to accept myself to want to change into someone I’m not, Sweety. And I wish you’d do the same.” She huffed and turned to face the other direction when she heard Sweety choke out,

 

“It’s not that easy.” Kuhu’s gaze quickly darted back towards her. Sweety was biting her lower lip and looked as though she were fighting back tears. Soon enough she was wiping her tears with the shawl she used to hide her blush just moments before.

 

“Sweety…”

 

“I don’t wish I were normal…I just wish it didn’t _hurt this much_.”

 

And then she crumbled. Suddenly Kuhu had pulled her into her arms and in her embrace she wept. Years and years of torment and loneliness and guilt were coming out at once. The pain she had felt the moment she realized she was different, when she had seen Gurwinder with that boy, when she found her brother tormenting the only friend like her she had...Things that had so badly hurt her before still cut through her like a knife.

 

Kuhu was devastated. She couldn’t believe she had been so angry with her, so harsh. How could she not have considered all that the poor girl must have gone through. Seeing her like this meant that there surely was a lot. Tears began to stream down her own cheeks as Sweety continued to sob. What she would do to relieve her of this pain, of this suffering she had gone through all alone. There was nothing she could do, except be there for her now.

 

“I’m so sorry, Sweety,” she whispered, rubbing her hand up and down her trembling back, “I’m so sorry…”

* * *

 

The sun was beginning to set. Sweety was still nestled in Kuhu’s arms, though the crying had ceased for some time now.

 

“It’s getting late,” Kuhu said quietly. Her fingers were tracing lightly along Sweety’s arm. Sweety nodded but made no indication to move, instead only readjusting the position of her head against Kuhu’s shoulder. She took in a deep breath, finding immense comfort in the now familiar smell of Kuhu.

 

“Kuhu?” she asked softly.

 

“Yes?”

 

“Will you meet me on the rooftop once the wedding is over tonight?”

 

Kuhu glanced down at the girl who was too shy to make eye contact with her, knowing exactly what the implication of her words meant. “I’d want nothing more.”


End file.
